Wow, where does time go?

This sounds so macabre, but the last time I ever created a post on here, I had a mom.  It’s been over a year since I’ve posted, and I don’t know if I just got bored with WordPress or if life took hold of me and I gave up blogging. Either way won’t change the outcome of life giving me a big dose of reality last year.  On August 9, 2015, I lost the most important person in the world to me; my mother.  I know this is an odd description to sum up what it feels like to lose one of the only persons who genuinely gives a shit about your well-being, but it felt….weird. It boggled my mind that I was expected to walk out of the hospital and back to my car like my life hadn’t just changed drastically; and literally that’s what I did. She passed away on a Sunday morning, and about ten minutes after it happened, one of the nurses came up to me and asked me what funeral home I wanted her body sent to. What the fuck? I was 25-years-old, how the hell was I supposed to know the answer to that, let alone want to discuss it less than an hour after I practically became a fucking orphan?

I think my siblings and I were the first ones to leave, actually. We got in the elevator and left everybody else up on the floor to cry or talk, whatever the hell they were doing. I really didn’t give a shit. I just wanted to go home.

We walked back to the car like we were leaving Target or something.  What were we supposed to do? Fall to our knees and break down in front of everybody? That’s what amazed me the most, I think; the strength that my younger siblings had within those moments. They held it together like I’ve seen no adult hold it together before. My brother was 20 and my sister was 22 on the day it happened. I know I’m not that much older than them, but a few years is a big difference when you’re that young. I hate that life gave them such an unfair and evil turn.

My mom had been battling pancreatic cancer since early 2014. Well, that’s when she was diagnosed. Who knows how long that cowardly fuck was growing inside of her body?  Her treatments seemed to be helping. Usually people survive three months after their initial diagnosis, and we had my mom for almost two years, so if I ever want to try and find a silver lining, I guess that would be it? This disease is one of the deadliest and gets fewer funding than any other cancer. Why? Why the hell did my mom, and anybody’s mom or dad or relative, have to face this injustice?  We’ve got so many campaigns around to fight these diseases and we still have come up with nothing? It doesn’t make sense to me.

I don’t know what this post is about. I don’t know if my angle is to talk about pancreatic cancer or to discuss how I lost my mom. Either way, I do want to leave y’all with this; IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, TELL THEM EVERY SINGLE CHANCE YOU GET. You don’t really realize how short life is until you lose someone you thought would be around forever, and boy does it fucking suck. Cherish the small moments. Those are the ones you remember the most. Trust me, I know.

Love,

Naissa

 

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